Lost.

It is a hot, humid afternoon. You’re lying on your bed, sweating and immobile, contemplating life.
Thinking about unrequited love, dishonest people, the dejection your soul is subjected to, and the agony you have caused. You sit thinking out loud about how sorry you are but there’s no one to listen to you. You question if others are sorry too? But you don’t get any answers.

The electricity goes. You’re not affected one bit/ The soft breeze is carrying the sighs of your neighbour’s. A couple a minutes pass and you can hear old men abusing the electricity board and small children taking a splash in the pool. Everything is so quite around you that you can hear noises from the distant very clearly.
Suddenly the voices in you head grown louder. You’re unable to differentiate between the ones in your head and the ones outside.
You enter a state of panic. You get up to the drink water but you can’t find it. You’ve lost your way in your own house, the same house where you grew up.

You scream! But you can’t hear yourself. The noises and voices in your head have completely taken over. What do you do?

You run out of the house, keep walking, absorbing the traffic noise. Some movie scene is randomly playing inside your head and you can relate yourself with the protagonist of the movie. You’re far, far away from reality now.

You go and buy yourself a smoke. Walk into an isolated place and smoke. You feel slightly relieved. Focusing on the noise from the traffic and street vendors shamelessly marketing the products, you feel at peace.

The noise from outside balances the noise from inside. What others find chaos, you find peace.

Then you realise something. Something that makes life easier from here on. You realise you’re fucked up and you learn to live with it.

Lunatic Legends #2

On Friday afternoon, I woke up to the sound of the doorbell; I crawled myself out of the bed to open the door. It was the delivery boy from Takshila Palace. I thought I have slept throughout this day and its approaching supper time. I checked my watch and it was just 3:30 pm. My eyes hadn’t adjusted yet so i asked the guy what it was.
Apparently, Avik had ordered Old Monk and Coke. I searched the entire house but couldn’t find him anywhere. Finally I found him on the swing in the verandah, vaping like a badass nigga from some bike gang swearing by their Harley Davidsons. I handed him the delivery and went back for a 45 minute power nap which I guess lasted more than 2 hours.

As evening welcomed us with the sun setting, winking over the last horizon, we all gathered at the table, rearranging our senses. There was a knock at the verandah door which opened into the hall where all of us sat looking blindly at each other. It was Aishu!!
It was a massive shock for us because none of us were aware when he’d be coming on a vacation from US.

While we exchanged pleasantries, Rahul and KP snatched the new poker chips, which he’d bought from US, just like how babies snatch chocolates, and entered into a chip shuffling competition.
The sound of the chips woke up the gambler in Das. He was in his complete senses now. Since there was still some time left before the day’s poker session began, Das pushed Aishu aside and walked up to the table like a zombie walks towards brain and said, “Kya bolta hai Tiwari kaun jeetega?” I have always been biased towards guys with a beard so i said, “Rahul, obviously.” Das’s face brightened up like Buddha attaining enlightenment. He gave me that ‘game on, bitch’ expression and said, “Chal I’m betting on KP, 500 bucks!” Before I could consider the odds, Aishu said, “Guys, I also brought vada pavs, they’re in the car.”

Since Akul and Aishu always come with burgers, beers, and strawberry milkshakes, it took me a while to accept that he actually said vada pav! But Das didn’t give a fuck about anything. He just stood up and ran out and since he didn’t want to waste any time, he ran through the door. That’s right, he ran through it and we followed him. Of course we didn’t open the door either. I mean, two of us could easily fit through that opening. It was in the shape of a beastly human. (You could also fit 5 Ravijs through that, just saying.)

While we were all out, caressing the tenderness of vada and the brown, curvy, spongy pav, Akul was nowhere to be seen. He was struck by a thought. A thought about working out. He was currently at the peak of his body building and sculpting routine and he realised he hadn’t worked out in 13 hours now.
After a while, he came out in the most unusual way. It was some weird combination of push ups and frog jumps, and to prevent his hands from getting dirty he had worn someone’s socks. While we were all standing and talking, Akul was planking. That’s the best way to work your cores and help mom in chores. (I just said that because I wanted something rhyming. That lazy ass never helps his mom, I can bet on it.)

*********************

After we finished eating and Ravij and Dhruva pulled out a smoke, Akul finally relieved himself of the plank position and stood up for a couple of drags.

The building next to Bhatias’ bungalow was inhabited mostly by bachelors and very few families stayed in there. The third floor housed a couple of air hostesses and many a times their friends from the profession would frequent the place for a couple of days depending on their flight schedules.

A woman in bright yellow stepped out from an Uber and made her way upstairs. The other side of the door slowly opened and a 20 something, outrageously hot girl with deep brown eyes, stepped out. She was on the phone talking to someone. We immediately pulled out our phones and used Google and speech to text to find out which language she was talking in. It turned out to be Spanish. The kind of mischievous boy Akul is, he said, in a heavy Spanish accent, “Oh mi dios! Español!” (Later he confessed to having used Google translate for that.)
This caught her attention and she smiled and all of us heard Avik speak in a typical Delhi accent, “Kya tota hai penchod!” She thought it’s a compliment and she smiled at Avik. Seeing this Akul felt jealous. He was going green.

Avik collected all the guts he had and waited for her to disconnect the call. Being nice friends, upon noticing that Avik was gonna hit on her, we moved afar to avoid laughing and fucking it up for him. Akul although had other plans.

The minute she kept her phone in her bag, Avik took a deep drag from the ganja flavoured vape while Ravij sat on the bonnet of a rusty jeep rolling the actual thing. Avik just said hi. A simple hi. And to everyone’s surprise she actually stopped and smiled and introduced herself. We could see him on the verge of getting an orgasm. He rested on his car, vaped, and spoke to her.

Akul lost it at this point. He had to show this chick that he’s the alpha male. He knew these chicks dig alpha males. He thought hard for what seemed to be the longest minute of his life and decided that he should feel happy for Avik. But now he had to relax himself and realised there’s beer in Aishu’s car. And now this is not a normal car. It’s and Audi, so big that twelve humans could fit and and the streets of Sher-e-Punjab are too small for the car. Basically, you park it outside the bungalow’s gate, only a bike could pass through between the car and the opposite building. So anyway, Akul went, opened the car and pulled out some beer. Let’s say it was Bira because I legit loved that shit.

So now this chick sees a ripped body, pulling out a chilled beer from a nice car. What does she think? That right ye lazy mofo niggas… ALPHA FUCKING MALE. She kept looking at Akul but he was too depressed to give a fuck. Rohan texted him to get all the beers that were in the car. The sound of the text notification forced Akul to pull out the phone from his jeans. In this process, his triceps flexed and the sleeve of his t shirt tore. The Spanish girl almost moaned. Akul heard it and realised this was his moment.

Now we all know, nice guys finished last mostly because they make stupid mistakes and they have a really nice heart. Avik was a nice guy with a nice heart and the mistake he made was, even after noticing the chick checking Akul out, he introduced the two of them. From there, Akul used his unusual sense of humour to sweep the girl off her feet. Realising that the ball will never come back in his court, Avik grabbed the beers from Akul and started walking towards us. In a matter of 25 metres he finished three pints!

While we were laughing and making jokes on these cuties, I noticed that Aishu is missing. I asked Das but he didn’t know when he left either. We saw a silhouette of a guy on the phone walking up and down the street and thought it was Aishu. Upon closer analysis, and ripped abs popping out from the thin body fitting shirt, we realised it was actually Dhruva.

So where was Aishu?

We worried for a minute and decided to go inside, open a nice whiskey, and think where Aishu could be. I entered last and as the door closed behind me I heard everyone laugh at the top of their voice. The decibel level was that of an explosion. I ran in only to find out that Aishu had used all the poker chips in the house and all his proficiency in architectural design to recreate Burj Khalifa and Old Trafford.

*********************

We had decided to drop poker for the night and watch a funny movie to cheer Avik up. Our options were limited to Dhoti Lota Aur Chowpatty (1975) and Do Ladke Dono Kadke (1979). So we decided to watch Dhoti Lota Aur Chowpatty because it seemed to address the social vice of taking a dump at the beaches of Bomaby. It was expected to be funny and educational and everything a movie should be.

We all were enjoying the movie but Avik was in a different zone altogether. He was plotting Akul’s murder.

Akul stepped in at about 4 in the morning all happy and exhausted. The grin on Avik’s face was like he’s gonna superglue Akul’s dick like Rose did in Two and a Half Men. Unfortunately, there was no superglue around.

Then Avik transformed into Monjulika and said, “Ami pratishod neba. Ami bhulbo na, ami pratishod neba.”

Since Das was in some room playing gulabi aankhe on guitar, we had to tell Avik to speak the same thing again into Google translate. (The amount of times I have used Google translate in this post is unreal, they should pay me for marketing man)

I don’t know why he gave us a nasty look. It was like ‘I’m angry here don’t laugh’ kinda look. I don’t know what to make of that man. Life is so confusing sometimes.

*********************

So now all of us were very tired. Akul had gone to sleep and Ravij was under the swing in the verandah after getting stoned. Dhruva was still out on the phone but now he had a portable charger connected to the phone so it looked like some 1900s military-issue walk talky.

Avik, Aishu, Rohan, and I were sitting in the comp room waiting for Das so that we could do some timepass. Das took a detour while coming from one room to another. He went to the kitchen, opened the fridge and pulled out the box of chocolates. Sat on the floor and kept eating till the box was empty. Meanwhile I was getting bored so I asked Rohan what the password of the comp was and he said he didn’t know, Rahul knows. And Rahul was in another room and my phone was to far away to reach for it and call him. So we started a game of lets guess the password. After several attempts we gave up. Then it struck Aishu that it should be related to Dota since he’s a big Dota fan. Das entered and asked for the update on the situation. I told him what we were upto and he said that secretly the Bhatias just love Bollywood. Rohan laughed his guts out. Then Avik said, “Yeah even I agree with what Das.”

Then Das put this thinking cap on and said, “A combination of Bollywood and Dota is extremely genius for a password, if you think of it.” Das pulled the keyboard from me and typed ‘kuch kuch Dota hai’.
*BOOM*
That was it. That was the password. We went mad laughing but Das went on a different tangent. He thought he’s a pro hacker and threw me off the chair and opened the FBI website and shot a mail to them saying that he’s the best hacker in town and they must hire him.

I don’t know if he got a response from there but all he spoke until 6 that morning was the transport and internet layer security.

***********************

By 7 all were exhausted and slept off. Not a single movement in the house. At around 10 am Ravij entered the house and started yelling. He was singing some song I guess. Rahul came out of his room, kicked him on his butt real hard and we all went back to sleep peacefully.

Lunatic Legends

If you’ve ever met a true poker addict you’d know that they often dream of sitting on the final table of the WSOP. KP belonged to this species.

We often played poker at the Bhatia’s but this time we decided to up the level a bit and keep a three day session. We unanimously agreed that it should be called SePSOP (to prevent insanity striking you in the balls, let’s not try to figure what the abbreviation stands for).

On Thursday morning, while everyone was confirming their participation, KP was dreaming of sitting on the final table of WSOP. He dreamt of himself sitting with and A-3 off-suit . Although the flop wasn’t quite in his favour, he found himself murmuring:

Ye Straight ki namkeen mastaniyan
Ye Flush ki beparwah gustakhiyan
Ye Full House ki lehrati angdaaiyan
Nahi fold karunga mai
Jab tak hai Ace, jab tak hai Ace.

In this 1185th dream about WSOP, he finally went all-in against Hellmuth and to KP’s surprise, he called. KP won straight to trips on the river. By far this was his best win. This was also the best dream he’d had in a long time because as soon as the river card opened, he came in his pants!

At around 1:00 pm he woke up to his cum soaked boxers and headed straight for a shower.
It is an established fact that the best ideas come while taking a dump so KP always worked on his app in the bathroom. By 6:00 pm, he had done more work than his colleagues had in a entire week.

A few minutes later, he heard the sound of his phone buzzing. He ran out of the shower and from a pile of vibrators, condoms, and hookah flavours, miraculously pulled out his phone in less than a second. He received the call without seeing whose it was. He immediately recognised the sensuous voice. A voice so sexy that it could arouse an infertile to an extent such that they become fertile. KP smiled to himself and in a shy tone said, “Yeah Akul, I’m in for tonight.”
Akul couldn’t resist cracking some lame ass in-out joke. KP thought for a smart response for almost a minute and told him to simply fuck off.

******************

SePSOP was scheduled to start at 8:30 pm. Being the most punctual guy ever, Akul, stepped in for a bath at 9:15 pm while Avik stood below his house waiting. While Akul was getting ready, doing those final touchups, Avik had been waiting and vaping in his car. Feeling a little claustrophobic, he rolled down the windows of his car and all the smoke suddenly founds its way out from the little orifice. Seeing such massive clouds of smoke, some 15 people immediately gathered around the car. A couple of them, thinking there’s an internal fire, went on to throw a bucket of water each through the windows giving Avik a proper Water Kingdom experience.
After clearing the misunderstanding and apologising to people for worrying them unnecessarily, Avik stepped out of the car. Usually one would be irritated and disgusted if their car was completely wet but the kind of optimist he was, he simply said to himself, “Koi nai yaar, free me gaadi dhul gayi.”

The seats were completely soaked and feeling helpless he called Akul, who had just finished trimming his beard for the fifth time in 18 minutes.
Avik: Hello, Akul!
Akul: Yes, babes.
Avik: Yaar, panga ho gaya!
Akul: Don’t tell me you’re not picking me up!
Avik: Arey no you idiot. I’m down only *explains scene*, so the seats are completely wet.
Akul: Bhenchod
Avik: See if you sit your pants will become all wet.
Akul: Arey wait I’ll get my school ka raincoat.
Avik: Chal theek hai.

No one knows what happened next but they somehow reached at 10:45 pm.

**********************

The session started at 11:00 pm finally. Almost and hour underway and Ravij, the brown and infant form of a Walter White, had lost half his chip stack. He wasn’t sad though. More than winning the SePSOP, his aim was to learn the subtle nuances of the game. While at this, he was also pondering over the performance of every club playing in ISL and evaluating the odds of Pune beating them. Since he had been working for Pune City FC, he had now become and inextricable part of ISL. Although, he was a bigger fraud to the city of Bombay than Adam Lallana is to Liverpool.

************************

At around 12:30 am, Akul decided that he is going to feel hungry at 1:30. So, we stopped our play and Das got on the phone to order food. He told the guy to stay on hold for a minute while we decided the order. After 35 minutes of complete chaos and confusion about what to eat and varying preferences, we ordered 8 plates of chicken manchurian fried rice. And of course some veg thing for KP.

As the clock struck 1:30, Akul, true to his words, started feeling hungry. Luckily, at that very instant the food arrived. We took a dinner break. While everyone was busy hogging, KP and Das sat for a heads up. By the time the river card was opened, the pot was some 26 million. The funnier part was that it turned out to be a split pot.

*************************

I always say that insanity is a side effect of chronic boredom and at 3:00 am Rahul was bored as fuck. Realising that Dhruva had missed a straight by one card, something happened to him. He quielty opened a 6th card, which Dhruva didn’t realise and thought he hit his straight. He went all in against Avik, who called without giving a flying fuck and won the hand. Realising what Rahul had done, he abused the fuck out of him. But everyone was so busy laughing that no one heard anything.

At 4:30 am, Avik slept off on the table. We thought he must be shifted to the bed but instead we stole all his chips and unanimously decided to tell him that he lost it in a heads up and doesn’t remember. But then we took his sleeping pics and from his phone made a Grindr account. Avik, while playing, was so irritated with Rohan’s constant blabbering that he accused him of discussing and telling others what cards he had. This was not the end of it. In his sleep he abused Rohan, accusing him of cheating. He even banged the table, which I figure was because he slapped him in his dream!

We continued playing till 6 in the morning when Avik suddenly woke up, gulped down whatever was left of the unusual concoction of absinthe and rum in his glass and went back to sleep. By 7:00 everyone was fast asleep. At this point, I kept all the cards and chips back into the case while Rohan jumped out of his chair and went to bring some sexy ass wine. Rahul brought the glasses and Das pulled out cheese vada pavs for the four of us from his bag.
It was, for me, the best start to a morning in a very long time. We slept at 9, marking the end of day 1 of SePSOP.

Can You Be More #ForeverAlone Than This?

NO.

And I’ll tell you why!

So this started six months ago. Like every other sex deprived, pervert, young Indian guy, I downloaded Tinder on my phone. Initially, I was excited about the amount of hot girls on it. I used to swipe left for anyone less than 7/10, despite being a mere 1.414/10 myself.

Finally I realized that this isn’t working for me. So I started swiping right for everyone.

You know how this country is full of idiots? And there will be guys who’ll select their gender as female while creating their profile?
Yeah, no, I didn’t swipe right on them. Sure you were expecting me to, but no, I’m not as disgusting as you!

So yeah, three months later I got a match! I went mad. I was tripping. I opened Tinder and immediately messaged her, “Hi! I’m the best guy out here. Please love me.” Next thing I know, the bitch unmatched me. I was heartbroken about the fact that honesty and true love is no longer appreciated in this world. So I went to my friend for advice like always. He told me that I sounded too needy and to a very great extent creepy and I should come up with some other, subtler conversation starter. I was all pumped and since my ego was hurt, I wanted to take revenge on that chick by scoring on the next match I get. Stupid, no? Well, I’m a 22 year old, sex deprived guy. What do you expect?

Two months passed by and my left hand kept getting stronger. Then finally, another match. But this time I wasn’t excited because somewhere that previous incident had saddened me more than it should have. The fact that this girl texted first, was a considerable relief but I waited for a couple of hours to text back. She had texted a plain and simple ‘Hi’. I don’t exactly remember what shit I was smoking. I replied, “So am I.” (because hi=high, geddit? hate to explain pjs to these high IQ morons)

Minutes later she texted back, “Lol, what?” To which I instantly replied “I saw your pics and I’m high on you. You’re the one I’ve always seen and worshiped in my dreams.” No reply from her. I waited two days only to realize that she had unmatched me. I was devastated. How could someone be so cold?

I kept trying. Spending night and day on Tinder. The app ran out of people and nothing popped up. Depressed, I started walking on Friday morning and walked until Sunday evening. I was in another city altogether. Finally Tinder would show me some prospects again! And look at the grace of God, I immediately got a match. I was determined not to screw this up. I thought instead of being the nice guy I am, I’ll behave like a jerk with too much swag and shit. So I texted her, “How do you like your eggs; scrambled, boiled, or fertilized?” She replied, “Haha”. Two minutes later SHE FUCKING UNMATCHED ME!!

This is when I decided, Tinder isn’t for me. Maybe, just maybe, women as a species aren’t for me. I thought it was a message from God. It was time to change my sexual preferences.

Then on a fateful night, I downloaded Grindr Yeah, that the Tinder for gay people.

I swiped for everyone. after a month I got one match and he told me that it was obvious I wasn’t gay. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN MEAN! I bloody colored my hair pink with neon green highlights for the gay display picture!

After repeated disappointments on Grindr, I completely have given up on life. I think my sexual needs will be fulfilled by either aliens or animals. Since the chances of alien invasion are bleak in the near future, which animal would you recommend?

Wait for the Right Poison

Most (read all) of us are addicted to something or may have been, at some point in time. The reason I say ‘all’ shall soon become clear. Let us first try to enlist the ‘symptoms’ of addiction, and I hope all of you will agree to these:

  • You have something once, and you want to have it over and over again.
  • Like everything else in life, you develop a sort of immunity towards it. Hence, the regular fixed amount seems less so you go on and consume more of it.
  • You will eventually reach a stage when that something is all you want and in its pursuit you will be ready to sacrifice everything else.
  • Then comes a period when you’re totally done with it and stop.

Now comes the climax… This is when I tell you that ALL of you have been addicted at some point in life, except…

Except, it may not be ‘something’ but ‘somebody’. ‘People’ are the most addictive drug on this planet. Once you’re addicted to somebody, you’re screwed.

Let’s go through the symptoms again, shall we?

  • You meet someone once, you like the experience and so you want to meet them over and over again because of whatever the feeling you get while in their company.
  • Eventually you develop a sort of immunity. One hour a day seems so less. In fact, you’ve already, probably, imagined spending a lifetime with them. This forces you to meet them more often and for a longer duration.
  • Then you reach a stage when they’re the most important thing to you and in their pursuit you’re ready to sacrifice anything and everything as long as you get them.
  • Then one fine day, comes a point when you’re tired and give up. You’re no longer addicted and start searching for a new poison.

This happens with everybody. At some point you’ll be addicted to a person and eventually that addiction fades out until you find another person. This is a cycle that continues till you find a poison so beautiful that you’ll never get bored of it and even if you do it’ll be too good to give up on.

This ‘kick’ that this poison gives, this feeling that you cannot live without, is what most of you call love. But it’s really, actually, infatuation.

So I’ll save you the trouble of getting addicted to a new poison every now and then…

Make a note of the aforementioned symptoms and whenever you find yourself checking on all the boxes, know that you’re infatuated by someone and this apparent addiction will eventually die out. You must always wait for that poison, which is too good to give up on and that will be love.

The Earth is a Testing Centre

There are numerous theories about the existence of a parallel universe and that the world we see is not real. one theory suggest that everything that we see or touch, is but a holographic projection.

As I sit back and juxtapose, one such theory that I myself came up with is by far the most fascinating one.

I believe, that the Earth is but a testing centre. Aliens, as we like to call them, are beings with superlative intelligence with special, mystical powers. We humans are basically prototypes that are sent to the Earth. We are left to live our own lives without any interference. We are the real Artificial Intelligence.
As humans, when we exceed presumed performance levels, we are sent to another planet, which is almost a paradise. The one’s with a below average performance are sent back to the plant and dismantled or whatever, I’ll leave that to your imagination.

The next thing that was a topic of concern for the aliens could be that since there probably are many such testing centres, keeping the prototypes under control would be difficult and hence they created a concept of good and bad. This was done to keep the prototypes under control so they created positive forces i.e. God. But this would create imbalance in the universe and therefore a counterbalancing negative force i.e. Satan was created. These forces keep us on track and deciding, by some supernatural phenomena, what we must and mustn’t do. As and when prototypes get inclined towards the negative force, they are punished by a ‘natural disaster’ which is created by the positive force. When there is too much inclination towards the positive force, the negative force takes up the mantle of balancing things out.

When a prototype completely understands how these forces work to keep the Earth running efficiently, he is considered ready to move to the paradise planet. This is when he exceeds the presumed levels of performance because the prototypes are made dumb and unable to understand anything. Therefore, anything substantially intellectual is not expected of them. Although, through self learning, a prototype can reach this stage and can then move on to the paradise planet.

Everything is a Lie

Many who are closer to enlightenment, as close as one could humanly get, are often found quoting, ‘Everything is a lie’. On a more oblivious, agnostic, and mortal level, this imperative statement conforms to an interrogative one, ‘What if everything is a lie?’.

As you start thinking about it and go deeper into your thoughts, a massive intermixture of ideas will be generated in your head. What if the device you’re reading this on is but an figment of imagination and does not really exist? What if our lives are not ours to control but are controlled by some supernatural power we are completely unaware of?

The ‘what if’ that is more frightening than the ones you’ve already thought of is, ‘What if all the people around us are fake?’. Assuming that the world is real and the people are real but the part they play in our lives is fake. What if our fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters, and friends are not actually who we think they are? What if somebody has payed them to enact these roles? What if every coincidental encounter with somebody at the coffee shop is actually an intricate plan?

I’m pretty sure these ‘what ifs’ will haunt you for a considerable amount of time, until the realities of life (the practical, tangible aspects) take over and pull you back in to this world. I’m sure your mind will be on an adventure trip to find answers, and it will create some in the process, to keep you content. Bon Voyage!