And I’ll tell you why!
So this started six months ago. Like every other sex deprived, pervert, young Indian guy, I downloaded Tinder on my phone. Initially, I was excited about the amount of hot girls on it. I used to swipe left for anyone less than 7/10, despite being a mere 1.414/10 myself.
Finally I realized that this isn’t working for me. So I started swiping right for everyone.
You know how this country is full of idiots? And there will be guys who’ll select their gender as female while creating their profile?
Yeah, no, I didn’t swipe right on them. Sure you were expecting me to, but no, I’m not as disgusting as you!
So yeah, three months later I got a match! I went mad. I was tripping. I opened Tinder and immediately messaged her, “Hi! I’m the best guy out here. Please love me.” Next thing I know, the bitch unmatched me. I was heartbroken about the fact that honesty and true love is no longer appreciated in this world. So I went to my friend for advice like always. He told me that I sounded too needy and to a very great extent creepy and I should come up with some other, subtler conversation starter. I was all pumped and since my ego was hurt, I wanted to take revenge on that chick by scoring on the next match I get. Stupid, no? Well, I’m a 22 year old, sex deprived guy. What do you expect?
Two months passed by and my left hand kept getting stronger. Then finally, another match. But this time I wasn’t excited because somewhere that previous incident had saddened me more than it should have. The fact that this girl texted first, was a considerable relief but I waited for a couple of hours to text back. She had texted a plain and simple ‘Hi’. I don’t exactly remember what shit I was smoking. I replied, “So am I.” (because hi=high, geddit? hate to explain pjs to these high IQ morons)
Minutes later she texted back, “Lol, what?” To which I instantly replied “I saw your pics and I’m high on you. You’re the one I’ve always seen and worshiped in my dreams.” No reply from her. I waited two days only to realize that she had unmatched me. I was devastated. How could someone be so cold?
I kept trying. Spending night and day on Tinder. The app ran out of people and nothing popped up. Depressed, I started walking on Friday morning and walked until Sunday evening. I was in another city altogether. Finally Tinder would show me some prospects again! And look at the grace of God, I immediately got a match. I was determined not to screw this up. I thought instead of being the nice guy I am, I’ll behave like a jerk with too much swag and shit. So I texted her, “How do you like your eggs; scrambled, boiled, or fertilized?” She replied, “Haha”. Two minutes later SHE FUCKING UNMATCHED ME!!
This is when I decided, Tinder isn’t for me. Maybe, just maybe, women as a species aren’t for me. I thought it was a message from God. It was time to change my sexual preferences.
Then on a fateful night, I downloaded Grindr Yeah, that the Tinder for gay people.
I swiped for everyone. after a month I got one match and he told me that it was obvious I wasn’t gay. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN MEAN! I bloody colored my hair pink with neon green highlights for the gay display picture!
After repeated disappointments on Grindr, I completely have given up on life. I think my sexual needs will be fulfilled by either aliens or animals. Since the chances of alien invasion are bleak in the near future, which animal would you recommend?