Lunatic Legends

If you’ve ever met a true poker addict you’d know that they often dream of sitting on the final table of the WSOP. KP belonged to this species.

We often played poker at the Bhatia’s but this time we decided to up the level a bit and keep a three day session. We unanimously agreed that it should be called SePSOP (to prevent insanity striking you in the balls, let’s not try to figure what the abbreviation stands for).

On Thursday morning, while everyone was confirming their participation, KP was dreaming of sitting on the final table of WSOP. He dreamt of himself sitting with and A-3 off-suit . Although the flop wasn’t quite in his favour, he found himself murmuring:

Ye Straight ki namkeen mastaniyan
Ye Flush ki beparwah gustakhiyan
Ye Full House ki lehrati angdaaiyan
Nahi fold karunga mai
Jab tak hai Ace, jab tak hai Ace.

In this 1185th dream about WSOP, he finally went all-in against Hellmuth and to KP’s surprise, he called. KP won straight to trips on the river. By far this was his best win. This was also the best dream he’d had in a long time because as soon as the river card opened, he came in his pants!

At around 1:00 pm he woke up to his cum soaked boxers and headed straight for a shower.
It is an established fact that the best ideas come while taking a dump so KP always worked on his app in the bathroom. By 6:00 pm, he had done more work than his colleagues had in a entire week.

A few minutes later, he heard the sound of his phone buzzing. He ran out of the shower and from a pile of vibrators, condoms, and hookah flavours, miraculously pulled out his phone in less than a second. He received the call without seeing whose it was. He immediately recognised the sensuous voice. A voice so sexy that it could arouse an infertile to an extent such that they become fertile. KP smiled to himself and in a shy tone said, “Yeah Akul, I’m in for tonight.”
Akul couldn’t resist cracking some lame ass in-out joke. KP thought for a smart response for almost a minute and told him to simply fuck off.


SePSOP was scheduled to start at 8:30 pm. Being the most punctual guy ever, Akul, stepped in for a bath at 9:15 pm while Avik stood below his house waiting. While Akul was getting ready, doing those final touchups, Avik had been waiting and vaping in his car. Feeling a little claustrophobic, he rolled down the windows of his car and all the smoke suddenly founds its way out from the little orifice. Seeing such massive clouds of smoke, some 15 people immediately gathered around the car. A couple of them, thinking there’s an internal fire, went on to throw a bucket of water each through the windows giving Avik a proper Water Kingdom experience.
After clearing the misunderstanding and apologising to people for worrying them unnecessarily, Avik stepped out of the car. Usually one would be irritated and disgusted if their car was completely wet but the kind of optimist he was, he simply said to himself, “Koi nai yaar, free me gaadi dhul gayi.”

The seats were completely soaked and feeling helpless he called Akul, who had just finished trimming his beard for the fifth time in 18 minutes.
Avik: Hello, Akul!
Akul: Yes, babes.
Avik: Yaar, panga ho gaya!
Akul: Don’t tell me you’re not picking me up!
Avik: Arey no you idiot. I’m down only *explains scene*, so the seats are completely wet.
Akul: Bhenchod
Avik: See if you sit your pants will become all wet.
Akul: Arey wait I’ll get my school ka raincoat.
Avik: Chal theek hai.

No one knows what happened next but they somehow reached at 10:45 pm.


The session started at 11:00 pm finally. Almost and hour underway and Ravij, the brown and infant form of a Walter White, had lost half his chip stack. He wasn’t sad though. More than winning the SePSOP, his aim was to learn the subtle nuances of the game. While at this, he was also pondering over the performance of every club playing in ISL and evaluating the odds of Pune beating them. Since he had been working for Pune City FC, he had now become and inextricable part of ISL. Although, he was a bigger fraud to the city of Bombay than Adam Lallana is to Liverpool.


At around 12:30 am, Akul decided that he is going to feel hungry at 1:30. So, we stopped our play and Das got on the phone to order food. He told the guy to stay on hold for a minute while we decided the order. After 35 minutes of complete chaos and confusion about what to eat and varying preferences, we ordered 8 plates of chicken manchurian fried rice. And of course some veg thing for KP.

As the clock struck 1:30, Akul, true to his words, started feeling hungry. Luckily, at that very instant the food arrived. We took a dinner break. While everyone was busy hogging, KP and Das sat for a heads up. By the time the river card was opened, the pot was some 26 million. The funnier part was that it turned out to be a split pot.


I always say that insanity is a side effect of chronic boredom and at 3:00 am Rahul was bored as fuck. Realising that Dhruva had missed a straight by one card, something happened to him. He quielty opened a 6th card, which Dhruva didn’t realise and thought he hit his straight. He went all in against Avik, who called without giving a flying fuck and won the hand. Realising what Rahul had done, he abused the fuck out of him. But everyone was so busy laughing that no one heard anything.

At 4:30 am, Avik slept off on the table. We thought he must be shifted to the bed but instead we stole all his chips and unanimously decided to tell him that he lost it in a heads up and doesn’t remember. But then we took his sleeping pics and from his phone made a Grindr account. Avik, while playing, was so irritated with Rohan’s constant blabbering that he accused him of discussing and telling others what cards he had. This was not the end of it. In his sleep he abused Rohan, accusing him of cheating. He even banged the table, which I figure was because he slapped him in his dream!

We continued playing till 6 in the morning when Avik suddenly woke up, gulped down whatever was left of the unusual concoction of absinthe and rum in his glass and went back to sleep. By 7:00 everyone was fast asleep. At this point, I kept all the cards and chips back into the case while Rohan jumped out of his chair and went to bring some sexy ass wine. Rahul brought the glasses and Das pulled out cheese vada pavs for the four of us from his bag.
It was, for me, the best start to a morning in a very long time. We slept at 9, marking the end of day 1 of SePSOP.


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