Lunatic Legends #2

On Friday afternoon, I woke up to the sound of the doorbell; I crawled myself out of the bed to open the door. It was the delivery boy from Takshila Palace. I thought I have slept throughout this day and its approaching supper time. I checked my watch and it was just 3:30 pm. My eyes hadn’t adjusted yet so i asked the guy what it was.
Apparently, Avik had ordered Old Monk and Coke. I searched the entire house but couldn’t find him anywhere. Finally I found him on the swing in the verandah, vaping like a badass nigga from some bike gang swearing by their Harley Davidsons. I handed him the delivery and went back for a 45 minute power nap which I guess lasted more than 2 hours.

As evening welcomed us with the sun setting, winking over the last horizon, we all gathered at the table, rearranging our senses. There was a knock at the verandah door which opened into the hall where all of us sat looking blindly at each other. It was Aishu!!
It was a massive shock for us because none of us were aware when he’d be coming on a vacation from US.

While we exchanged pleasantries, Rahul and KP snatched the new poker chips, which he’d bought from US, just like how babies snatch chocolates, and entered into a chip shuffling competition.
The sound of the chips woke up the gambler in Das. He was in his complete senses now. Since there was still some time left before the day’s poker session began, Das pushed Aishu aside and walked up to the table like a zombie walks towards brain and said, “Kya bolta hai Tiwari kaun jeetega?” I have always been biased towards guys with a beard so i said, “Rahul, obviously.” Das’s face brightened up like Buddha attaining enlightenment. He gave me that ‘game on, bitch’ expression and said, “Chal I’m betting on KP, 500 bucks!” Before I could consider the odds, Aishu said, “Guys, I also brought vada pavs, they’re in the car.”

Since Akul and Aishu always come with burgers, beers, and strawberry milkshakes, it took me a while to accept that he actually said vada pav! But Das didn’t give a fuck about anything. He just stood up and ran out and since he didn’t want to waste any time, he ran through the door. That’s right, he ran through it and we followed him. Of course we didn’t open the door either. I mean, two of us could easily fit through that opening. It was in the shape of a beastly human. (You could also fit 5 Ravijs through that, just saying.)

While we were all out, caressing the tenderness of vada and the brown, curvy, spongy pav, Akul was nowhere to be seen. He was struck by a thought. A thought about working out. He was currently at the peak of his body building and sculpting routine and he realised he hadn’t worked out in 13 hours now.
After a while, he came out in the most unusual way. It was some weird combination of push ups and frog jumps, and to prevent his hands from getting dirty he had worn someone’s socks. While we were all standing and talking, Akul was planking. That’s the best way to work your cores and help mom in chores. (I just said that because I wanted something rhyming. That lazy ass never helps his mom, I can bet on it.)


After we finished eating and Ravij and Dhruva pulled out a smoke, Akul finally relieved himself of the plank position and stood up for a couple of drags.

The building next to Bhatias’ bungalow was inhabited mostly by bachelors and very few families stayed in there. The third floor housed a couple of air hostesses and many a times their friends from the profession would frequent the place for a couple of days depending on their flight schedules.

A woman in bright yellow stepped out from an Uber and made her way upstairs. The other side of the door slowly opened and a 20 something, outrageously hot girl with deep brown eyes, stepped out. She was on the phone talking to someone. We immediately pulled out our phones and used Google and speech to text to find out which language she was talking in. It turned out to be Spanish. The kind of mischievous boy Akul is, he said, in a heavy Spanish accent, “Oh mi dios! Español!” (Later he confessed to having used Google translate for that.)
This caught her attention and she smiled and all of us heard Avik speak in a typical Delhi accent, “Kya tota hai penchod!” She thought it’s a compliment and she smiled at Avik. Seeing this Akul felt jealous. He was going green.

Avik collected all the guts he had and waited for her to disconnect the call. Being nice friends, upon noticing that Avik was gonna hit on her, we moved afar to avoid laughing and fucking it up for him. Akul although had other plans.

The minute she kept her phone in her bag, Avik took a deep drag from the ganja flavoured vape while Ravij sat on the bonnet of a rusty jeep rolling the actual thing. Avik just said hi. A simple hi. And to everyone’s surprise she actually stopped and smiled and introduced herself. We could see him on the verge of getting an orgasm. He rested on his car, vaped, and spoke to her.

Akul lost it at this point. He had to show this chick that he’s the alpha male. He knew these chicks dig alpha males. He thought hard for what seemed to be the longest minute of his life and decided that he should feel happy for Avik. But now he had to relax himself and realised there’s beer in Aishu’s car. And now this is not a normal car. It’s and Audi, so big that twelve humans could fit and and the streets of Sher-e-Punjab are too small for the car. Basically, you park it outside the bungalow’s gate, only a bike could pass through between the car and the opposite building. So anyway, Akul went, opened the car and pulled out some beer. Let’s say it was Bira because I legit loved that shit.

So now this chick sees a ripped body, pulling out a chilled beer from a nice car. What does she think? That right ye lazy mofo niggas… ALPHA FUCKING MALE. She kept looking at Akul but he was too depressed to give a fuck. Rohan texted him to get all the beers that were in the car. The sound of the text notification forced Akul to pull out the phone from his jeans. In this process, his triceps flexed and the sleeve of his t shirt tore. The Spanish girl almost moaned. Akul heard it and realised this was his moment.

Now we all know, nice guys finished last mostly because they make stupid mistakes and they have a really nice heart. Avik was a nice guy with a nice heart and the mistake he made was, even after noticing the chick checking Akul out, he introduced the two of them. From there, Akul used his unusual sense of humour to sweep the girl off her feet. Realising that the ball will never come back in his court, Avik grabbed the beers from Akul and started walking towards us. In a matter of 25 metres he finished three pints!

While we were laughing and making jokes on these cuties, I noticed that Aishu is missing. I asked Das but he didn’t know when he left either. We saw a silhouette of a guy on the phone walking up and down the street and thought it was Aishu. Upon closer analysis, and ripped abs popping out from the thin body fitting shirt, we realised it was actually Dhruva.

So where was Aishu?

We worried for a minute and decided to go inside, open a nice whiskey, and think where Aishu could be. I entered last and as the door closed behind me I heard everyone laugh at the top of their voice. The decibel level was that of an explosion. I ran in only to find out that Aishu had used all the poker chips in the house and all his proficiency in architectural design to recreate Burj Khalifa and Old Trafford.


We had decided to drop poker for the night and watch a funny movie to cheer Avik up. Our options were limited to Dhoti Lota Aur Chowpatty (1975) and Do Ladke Dono Kadke (1979). So we decided to watch Dhoti Lota Aur Chowpatty because it seemed to address the social vice of taking a dump at the beaches of Bomaby. It was expected to be funny and educational and everything a movie should be.

We all were enjoying the movie but Avik was in a different zone altogether. He was plotting Akul’s murder.

Akul stepped in at about 4 in the morning all happy and exhausted. The grin on Avik’s face was like he’s gonna superglue Akul’s dick like Rose did in Two and a Half Men. Unfortunately, there was no superglue around.

Then Avik transformed into Monjulika and said, “Ami pratishod neba. Ami bhulbo na, ami pratishod neba.”

Since Das was in some room playing gulabi aankhe on guitar, we had to tell Avik to speak the same thing again into Google translate. (The amount of times I have used Google translate in this post is unreal, they should pay me for marketing man)

I don’t know why he gave us a nasty look. It was like ‘I’m angry here don’t laugh’ kinda look. I don’t know what to make of that man. Life is so confusing sometimes.


So now all of us were very tired. Akul had gone to sleep and Ravij was under the swing in the verandah after getting stoned. Dhruva was still out on the phone but now he had a portable charger connected to the phone so it looked like some 1900s military-issue walk talky.

Avik, Aishu, Rohan, and I were sitting in the comp room waiting for Das so that we could do some timepass. Das took a detour while coming from one room to another. He went to the kitchen, opened the fridge and pulled out the box of chocolates. Sat on the floor and kept eating till the box was empty. Meanwhile I was getting bored so I asked Rohan what the password of the comp was and he said he didn’t know, Rahul knows. And Rahul was in another room and my phone was to far away to reach for it and call him. So we started a game of lets guess the password. After several attempts we gave up. Then it struck Aishu that it should be related to Dota since he’s a big Dota fan. Das entered and asked for the update on the situation. I told him what we were upto and he said that secretly the Bhatias just love Bollywood. Rohan laughed his guts out. Then Avik said, “Yeah even I agree with what Das.”

Then Das put this thinking cap on and said, “A combination of Bollywood and Dota is extremely genius for a password, if you think of it.” Das pulled the keyboard from me and typed ‘kuch kuch Dota hai’.
That was it. That was the password. We went mad laughing but Das went on a different tangent. He thought he’s a pro hacker and threw me off the chair and opened the FBI website and shot a mail to them saying that he’s the best hacker in town and they must hire him.

I don’t know if he got a response from there but all he spoke until 6 that morning was the transport and internet layer security.


By 7 all were exhausted and slept off. Not a single movement in the house. At around 10 am Ravij entered the house and started yelling. He was singing some song I guess. Rahul came out of his room, kicked him on his butt real hard and we all went back to sleep peacefully.


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